[intro]
What’s happening, readers? Once every week or so, I'll be dropping a tasty little morsel of intelligence for you all to savor. Why? For two, very important reasons:

1. I ran out of booze.
2. Because there's something on my mind, and I felt I'd get you sucke...ahem, wonderful and highly intelligent people to read and enjoy it.

Anyway, I'm firmly perched on my virtual soapbox, and I'm gonna rant away. Let's get it crackin' ^_^
[/intro]


[rant]
"A Message To Fanboys"

What the hell is up, all you crazy ‘Nikki-reading gamehippies out there? In case you didn't figure it out from the gorgeous women sashaying about outside of your window clutching their array of brown and black sweaters, or the God-awful reality TV (thankfully Anna Nicole-free) and sad new network sitcoms playing endlessly on your TV set, it's now the fall. As the weather cools down, and some of y'all make your returns to school, or the carefully crafted assgrooves of your game chairs, the game industry takes this time to heat up and recover from its brain-dead summertime state. Totally face-rocking, megaton releases like Robocop and Charlie’s Angels have bombarded gamers for most of those halter top-filled warm months, and the game industry’s back to work, getting ready to release games that wouldn’t necessarily make a good drink coaster. Of course, that also means that video game fanboys are back in full force too. Oh dear…

Ah, fanboys. It's not like they're a new phenomenon or anything like that; since legions of greasy-haired dickstoves pit the digital virtues of the Atari 2600 versus Intellivision versus Colecovision in a three-way death tango, lamers have been fighting each other over games and game companies. The thing is, as time's gone by, fanboys have spelunked ever deeper into the shadowy depths of suck; as the years go by and technology improves (OMFG, NOW I CNA SEE TEH MARIO IN FOUR-D, HOMIEG!!!!11), they inexplicably suck even more - some even rivaling Pauly Shore movies and penis cancer in terms of suckiness. Worst of all, even I've begun to grow tired of them, in that "it'd be fun to see how many volts from an air taser it’d take to set a fanboy on fire" sort of way...and I never grew tired of things like the "awesome" (read: able to make Jesus cry) Double Dragon movie, so you KNOW I've got to be a fairly resilient dude. So how could video game fanboys get their groove back? Here's my three-step plan:

1. Get back to your roots, dammit.
Remember how fanboys used to do things? Back in the day, there wasn't an Internet for annoying fan-lamers to hide behind, so “1337DBZGokuMasta6969” couldn’t chill in the anonymity of a monitor filled with “rofl”, spelling errors and random anime character avatars. Thus in those halcyon times, the true fanboys-the people that were really that enamored with the faceless corporation fueling their pixel-powered addiction-settled their disputes in the outside world. A fanboy clash could occur in the schoolyard, in the lunchroom, at the watercooler, in the men's room during the "shake-and-retuck"; wherever two people disagreed on the 3MHz difference in processor speed between the SNES and Genesis, or the fact that Pac-Man was originally named “Puck-Man” , there’d be fireworks. Because it was people face-to-face, it was always way more interesting than your garden variety Internet flame-war...and that got much respect from yours truly, because those people really fought for their beliefs, regardless of how geeky said beliefs actually were. Of course, in my hometown of New York City, it probably wouldn't be a great idea to flaunt your "video game fanboy" status, given that gaming still ranks slightly above an "Encino Man" logo penis pump in terms of "coolness" in the City. On top of that, seriously...walking around in a pasty-skinned phalanx of people screaming "SEGA RULZ 4 LIFE!!!1" will undoubtedly net you some free perforation courtesy of Smith and Wesson. Honestly though, a video game fanboy that will at least get in someone's face for what he or she believes in sucks quite a bit less than most fanboys. Besides, you can't totally loath someone who understands the definite satisfaction of putting a rusty screwdriver in the eye of some asshat crying to you about how misunderstood the Philips CD-I was...


2. Learn what to back, dammit.
I swear to God, you are totally NOT cool by pimping the Atari Jaguar. Everyone knew that the thing blew more than several of the subjects of the latest “Girls Gone Wild” videos combined; even the dude who backed it (read: Alan Tramiel) couldn't bring himself to praise the thing when interviewed...so why the hell would anyone in their right mind want to suggest that it didn't really suck? See, fanboys are an interesting breed; they like to claim things that aren't "popular" in an effort to seem different, and possibly smarter than other gamers. But in the world of gaming, things that eat several portions of hot, steaming ass generally are widely agreed upon; for example, you won’t find a single gamer who could find enjoyment in Superman 64 outside of the joy of throwing the cartridge at an old lady or something. So when you go and get all weird and clingy to some company, especially one that has no idea who you are, at least have the common sense to hang off the proverbial nutsack of something semi-decent...unless of course, it's the ActionMAX, in which case more power to you; we few mighty “Pops Ghostly” fans support your efforts. ^_^


3. Shut the hell up, dammit.
The most amusing thing in the world, is when some loser wearing a "totally friggin’ 2PUNX4U, word son" Atari-logo t-shirt that he got from "Hot Topic" comes up to me and tries to argue with me about some game info. The conversation usually goes like this:

Me: Hey, did you hear about that sweet new Mario game coming out on GameCube?
Dickstove: Dude, you're crazy; Mario belongs to Atari Indremacast 12800 Alpha now.
Me: Xbox 64? The hell you talkin' about, fool?
Dickstove: Yeah, it's true. I got it from a good source.
Me: Website? Magazine? What?
Dickstove: No way dude, the clerk at Funcoland told me so!
Me: Hold still please...

*plunges rusty screwdriver into his eye*

Listen here, fanboys. 9.7 times out of 10, the greasy, pimple-faced simian behind the counter at EB or GameStop or “Data and Lore’s Video Game Shack” is NOT a reputable source of game information. Seriously, shouldn't the fact that while he's telling you about the awesome new "HyperSega Xbox 64", he's trying his hardest to push a 9-year subscription to "Official GameAss Monthly Type R Enthusiast" magazine on you, all the while thrusting his pelvis in your direction, give you an inkling of a hint that the words escaping the face of the average idiot game store clerk isn't exactly of the same quality as like, Weekly Famitsu or something? So when you come to me and argue something, at least know what you're talking about. Otherwise, shut the hell up, and walk away quietly; keep a semblance of intelligence, huh? Oh yeah, another thing-you’re NOT a "hardcore" gamer if your first gaming memory is like, Tomb Raider 2. That's right; that Crash Bandicoot poster on your wall has more of a chance of suggesting you may have an affinity for the intake of cylindrical objects into your rectum for fun and profit as opposed to your possible "hardcore gamer" nature. Do yourself a favor, fanboys; spend some time playing games made before there were more than 6 buttons on a controller before you come to me and bitch about "hardcore". I mean, I don't want to sound like some old crotchety guy or anything, but I mean, I had to suffer through games like Wayne's World 2 on SNES before we had all of this fancy 3D crap…and I shouldn’t have to explain at all that a cavity search and a root canal, simultaneously, would be more fun than that game. So if I had to suffer through that, and the worst you had to deal with was like, Fighting Force 2 or something like that, then how “hardcore” could you possibly be? As a basic rule, if you can't remember Lucas Barton and why he was so funny (“The Power Glove...it's SO BAD!”), you aren't hardcore.
[/rant]


Well, that’s the serving of piping-hot anger for the day; if you've got love for the writing, want to send me hate mail, or just figure that stapling a C4-rigged baby to my door would be a great way to show me what you thought of this piece, fire me an e-mail (jonathan@gamenikki.com) and tell me all about it! I’d love to hear from you…I’ll even reply to the coolest non-virused letters. Later days, Nikki soldiers...