The Joystick Jockey’s Militant Minute, Issue #2: "Face-Rocking Heroes of Gaming"

[intro]
What’s happening, all my readers out there in Internet-land? Hopefully not much in the way of “Yatta!” parodies. Anyway, I’m here to discuss a serious topic. Now, don’t worry; I didn’t get all uber-serious or anything, so it’s nothing really important like the genetic proof that the Red Sox suck, or the secret that the WMD found in Iraq was actually a legion of whiny Fran Drescher robots. While it’s far less important than those troubling issues, it was enough to get my pizza, beer, and Beyonce-lust drenched synapses firing. What could this be? Read on. ^_^ (Editor’s Note: JOE HIGASHIIIII! - Dave)
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[rant]
Every day, a disturbing number of gamers hits the Internet, and in between their searches for unrated Gumby images and the latest MEGATON gaming rumor found in the pages of some obscure Japanese schoolgirl-and-game magazine, they log on to gaming sites and message boards-such as this one. Of course, jillions of topics are made ranging from “How cool is the hard drive in the Xbox” to “I made love to a wombat and it told me how to do the Raging Demon before it gave me SARS”… and while all of those topics appear at random, the one that appears everyday without fail is, “Who is the best video game character ever?”

Despite the fact that this question appears with a frequency that rivals that of sandwiches disappearing into the face of Roseanne Barr, I never got too tired of it because the answers are often fairly good. Mario, Dante, Solid Snake, Sonic, the chick from “The Guardian Legend”; quality characters from lots of ace games usually come up. Thing is though, you never get any respect for the TRULY great characters. “What could this drunken fool mean?” you might be thinking. Simply put, I believe that the hardest-working characters that get no shine from anyone should have their time in the spotlight, and yours truly is going to give it to them. Without further ado, here are the three absolute greatest game characters of all time:

The Dude From “BurgerTime”
I swear if I see any of you smirking, I’ll introduce your crotch to my friend Mister Icepick. Seriously, this guy is the man. Though it may be hard to believe, the dude from BurgerTime used to be a regular guy. At a young age, his skill with a spatula was unmatched. Recognized for his talents, he received a scholarship to Hamburger University; however, this success began to wear on him, and soon the pressures of college, combined with a fierce rivalry with a red/yellow/orange-clad clown (mysteriously referred to only as “The Ronald”) sent his life into a downward spiral, punctuated by his burgeoning abuse of cheap vodka and cheeseburgers. One day, after having found himself in fishnet stockings offering erm…’services’ to one of those McDonald’s Play Place statues of Ronald in order to score some Quarter Pounders and a bottle of Absolut Citron, he realized he’d hit rock bottom. Dragging himself into rehab, he refocused himself and dedicated his life to defending a world gone mad – and apparently made of large structures comprised entirely of hamburger pathways and flesh-eating hot dogs, eggs, and pickles. Armed only with his sexy chef’s hat, a shaker of pepper and his wits, the nameless dude from BurgerTime is truly a hero for the masses, and proof that if you drop out of school, drink booze and grow fat on fast-food sandwiches, you too can defend the Earth. Or something like that.

The L-Shaped Tetris Piece
I know some of you guys out there have played Tetris. Possibly the most addictive thing out there besides cocaine bricks wrapped in bacon and encased in “Animal Crossing” cases, or beating hoboes with nightsticks, Tetris fever is an illness you’ll be happy to get. With six different pieces falling at you with increasing speed, and you pitted with the task of lining them up in order to send them into whatever sort of “Tetris piece limbo” that lines go to when they die, the game is truly legendary. The great thing about Tetris is that everyone has their own way to play – and more importantly, their own favorite piece. Sure, much is made of the long, straight piece, especially from women, male interior designers, and approximately 13.8 percent of male iMac users. Contortionists love those weird “bendy pieces” that seem to twist into places you don’t want them to go, and Bruce Vilanch is inexplicably fond of the T-shaped piece; unlike him and his 4.6 chins, the T-shaped piece can fit into any tight space. But while styles of play is something worth arguing over, there can be no question about pieces, for the L-shaped Tetris piece is the most awesome piece of all. From its uniquely aerodynamic design (in Korea, the Type-R version is popular), to its propensity to get you out of damn near every Tetris screw-up, it’s supremely useful. Seriously, like if “usefulness” sent you an e-mail that wasn’t about Viagra, Tubgirl, or warnings that the Internet will eat your babies if you don’t send your money to Nigeria, that e-mail would be addressed from “L-shaped@tetrispiece.cx”. In the jungles of Guatemala, the L-shaped Tetris piece is called “El Rey Diablo”. In Haiti, it’s called a bunch of unintelligible stuff, ending in “Papa L-Piece”. In the streets of NYC, it’s called “Cop Killa MC Daddy L-Piece Platinum Grill”. But no matter what you call it, it’s useful – more so than any other piece, bar none.

Sniper Joe from Mega Man
Even if you are a monkey, and subsequently can’t help your hatred of Tetris or BurgerTime, there’s no way you could hate Mega Man. Honestly, only Satan and Michael Jackson hate Mega Man, and MJ only hates it because he can’t separate the robot boy from his metal pants (MJ thinks Mega Man’s a tease). The problem is that it seems people only remember three things from Mega Man – that you can copy boss powers, that those little hardhat creatures suck, and that Dr. Wily’s always behind it, whether “it” refers to an onslaught of killer robots, a random soccer game (with killer robots) or the fact that those annoying tampon commercials (with killer robots). But nobody ever remembers the greatest common foe ever – the mighty Joe. Joe was like Dr. Wily’s one-man wave of four-foot robotic terror. Sent to whoop Mega Man’s ass before the robot masters inevitably fail, Joe set himself up at all the best places to ambush the Blue Bomber – at the top of ladders, near spike traps, next to Mega Man’s Honda Civic Si, at Dr. Light’s complex, inside of robot massage parlors – you name it. Thing is, Mega Man simply rules; his arsenal of fool-waxing tools is unmatched. Not one to be outmatched though, Joe’s got a nifty little arsenal of his own. As Sniper Joe, he’s got a buster cannon along with his shield. When he’s Hammer Joe, he’s got Olympic-style hammers to chuck at you… and he’s still rocking the shield. Grenade Joe mixes it up a bit, sporting grenades along with that buster gun and shield. Naturally, as a Wily robot, he’s as good at hiding himself in his different incarnations. But you’ve got to give it up for the only robot in Mega Man not only with a name that doesn’t end in “Man”, but resilient enough to take the pain. Joe’s the hardest working character in Mega Man, so respect him, [slang for female dog – plural].
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Well, that’s the serving of sexy rambling text for the day; if you've got love for the writing, want to send me hate mail, or feel that sending a bonsai kitty to my mailbox would be a great way to show me what you thought of this piece, fire me an e-mail (jonathan@gamenikki.com) and tell me all about it! I’d love to hear from you…I’ll even reply to the coolest non-virused letters. Later days, Nikki soldiers...